To God from DogDear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1.    I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2.    I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
3.    The litter box is not a cookie jar.
4.    The sofa is not a ”face towel.”
5.    The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6.    I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7.    Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."
8.    I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9.    I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house—not after.
10.    I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11.    I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12.    The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise; it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?